My husband recently lost his granny to cancer. We all saw it coming for a while now, but I still felt helpless watching him struggle with this. I am horrible at coping with loss, my brain shuts down and I go into efficiency mode. Check lists on what needs to be done, comforting those that need it all the while feeling nothing myself. When my papa died, I didn’t cry and it made me feel like a monster. What kind of apathetic creature was I? To watch as yet another family member gets their body eaten away by cancer and feel nothing?
People talk about the stages of grief, and how it’s okay to feel things on your own terms and in your own time. But no one tells you it’s okay not to feel anything. My mother, shortly after I got home after living with my nanny for a week to take care of her, lost it and told me I was horrible for not crying. Screamed at me that I had no right to pretend to care about her father and take care of her mother when I feel nothing. A few weeks later she kicked me out and forced me into the darkest time in my life.
Being bipolar, I was raised to believe that stability meant feeling nothing. No feelings were safe, so better to feel nothing than to fall into one of the extremes. It confused me that grief was an exception to that. I thought apathy was normal until I lost my first grandparent. I haven’t lost any other family members since then, but I still haven’t felt the loss of my dog who died last month. I can’t bring myself to feel anything for the loss of my husbands Granny, who was quite possibly the nicest person I’ve ever met. Strength and courage tempered by a deep kindness and love for her family. The first time I met her, she pulled me into a bear hug and told me how glad she was that her grandson had found someone to put the smile back on his face. Every time after that was the same. Nothing but love and kindness radiated from this woman, who loved unconditionally. She was like the sun in her kindness, a warmth that lingers long after she’s done hugging you. She will be dearly missed by everyone who met her.
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